Is this really necessary?

k;djfkladsjfkla! That's about how I'm feeling right now. I was so hopeful about his month. But after this past week I just want to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I am still bleeding. It's not heavy but it's not spotting either. It's really kind of watery? But it's been going on for 6 days now. I'm still not having any serious pain, i've still got a bit of a very mild dull ache in my lower stomach though. My boobs don't hurt, no hot flashes, nothing. I'm calling the health dept. first thing Monday morning to get in and get checked out. There is something obviously going on with me and I just want to know whats wrong and how to fix it. Also, my temps are doing really crazy things here lately, they've been getting really really low - lower than my temp has ever been. Take a look for yourself My Ovulation Chart

I'm afraid something is wrong.

I'm on Cd 27 and no sign that O is coming. I was thinking the spotting i'm having was leading up to O, but this is the 4th day of spotting and there was a lot of it this am when I got up. My nipples aren't sore and that always happens a couple of days leading up to O. I don't feel like this is AF either, which of course it isn't since i haven't ovulated, but i've had a constant dull ache in my lower stomach/uterus area the last couple of days. It's got me a little scared. DH and I got into it this morning. When I got up to pee this am, I went into the bathroom and noticed I had dried up - eh - blood all over me. I wiped it all off and started to panic. I went back to the bedroom to tell dh that i was covered in blood which of course freaked him out and then he got a little frustrated with me because I couldn't tell him if everything was ok or what was causing it. Because I don't know what's going on. I don't understand what my body is doing right now. I don't know if it's ok for me to be spotting that heavy without AF soon to follow. Oh and my temp today nose dived! I just have no idea what to think right now. I'm just lost.

Did I O?

That is the question! I'm on CD 26 today. 2 out of the last 4 cycles I've charted - I've O'd on cd 26. I'm still spotting not as much today though as yesterday. But none the less, i've had spotting for the last 3 days and i've had almost a constant dull aching in my lower stomach/ uterus area. My nipples are a little sensitive today, finally - but usually they start getting really really sore a few days before I O. So, that has me a bit concerned. Also my temps the last couple of days have been a little unusual compared to my other charts, but todays temp is where a cover line would be so i'm hoping tomorrows temp spikes! I hope today was my O day. DH and I bd this am but we didn't yesterday, so if I didn't O today I wont be too upset because then that'll give us another day to dtd and hopefully get enough swimmers in there to make this baby happen! I'm just so sick and tired of these long cycles and ttc in general, I want to be pregnant already! Ugh. 

Here it comes!

I'm about to O! Or at least I hope so. I'm starting to feel like shit and i just noticed i'm having really light spotting. This has happened once before, where I had spotting right before I O'd. Kmfx.

Just a little lovin' early in the mornin'

So, I still haven't O'd.. But my stomach has been getting a little crampy so I still think that I should O any day now. I wish I would hurry up and O already so I can get on to the 2ww! We're still trying to bd everyday if time allows right now so hopefully this will be our cycle. I'm CD 24 today.
I really like owl stuff ^_^ 

ETD

ETD - Estimated Testing Day. Not sure if there is such a thing, but there is now. I should O any day now, just waiting on that temp spike. I'm hoping it's soon, so that way I can test on Mother's Day.

Darn - CD 22

Well, I wasn't able to temp this morning. Mostly because I went to bed at 7am, which is usually the time I temp every morning. DH finally had a day off so I stayed up with him all night so we could spend time together. I hate his 3rd shift job, but it's what we have to do to get by right now. I was really looking forward to seeing what my temp was today since it was super low yesterday. I don't think I have O'd yet though, mostly because my boobs are just now starting to feel slightly tender and by the time I O they will hurt if you look at them lol. DH and I did bd again this morning, this time we used pre-seed. I make ewcm, but it doesn't ever seem like very much so I'm hoping a bit of pre-seed will help with that. If this cycle doesn't work, maybe next cycle I will try robitussin (yuck). Oh, and here is my chart :) <a href="http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/Knautica21">My Ovulation Chart</a>

 

I want to be an Easter bunny

At cosmotology school, you are the minority if A) You don't have kids or B) you aren't currently pregnant. I am a minority. Anyway some of the fairly new mom's were talking the other day about how this is their first time being an Easter bunny this year. I'm so envious. I want to be an Easter bunny too :(

Dh and I were going to start bding yesterday but both of our sleeping schedules were off so we didn't get the chance to. But we were able to this morning and plan on doing it again tonight and everyday for probably 6 more days or at least a day or two after I O which could be any day now. My temp dropped super low this morning so hopefully I'm gearing up to O. Please please let this be our month!

It's been a long time

Well, if you haven't noticed - I haven't blogged in almost a week! But trust me, it's not because I haven't been wanting to. Last Thursday I tripped over who knows what in a parking lot. I sprained my wrist and bashed my knee, both of which are still bruised and sore. So, needless to say I wasn't able to type much because of how bad my wrist hurt. Then Saturday, DH and I had to go to the hospital, his Great Uncle wasn't doing so well so they had the family come in to say their good byes - which I'm glad we went because he passed away early Sunday morning. With all of this going on it has difficult to find the time to get on here and blog. The funeral was this morning. Everyone met at the funeral home to get in the procession to go to the cemetery where he would be buried. I was sitting in my car waiting for the other people to show so we could leave, and I started to smell something. At first, I thought it was coming out of the funeral home because they had just opened the doors to load the casket into the hearse. I thought I was going to get sick! And then I realized, the odor was dry rub coming from the bbq/rib restaurant next door. Yuck! Death and bbq do not go together. Ugh, anyway - It's almost time for me to O!!! I'm on CD18 right now. Last cycle I O'd on CD 23 and the cycle before that was CD 26. So,DH and I have decided that on Thursday (Cd 20) We would start to BD every day for a week. Now, we haven't tried this before. I've read a lot that says you should bd every other day then like 3 days leading up to O then skipping a day then bding again but since I don't know ahead of time the day that I will O, we are just going to do it every single day. I usually know a couple of days ahead of time because my boobs get really sore and I get headaches that wont go away. Anyway, I can't wait to O so I can start the tww! Fingers crossed!!!

Smells that don't go together

I'll elaborate more on this later, but the smell of death and bbq is a really gross combination.

Hold me till I die

Last Minute thoughts

I remember what my original post was going to be for today. Basically, I'm hoping to become more accepting of my body once i'm pregnant. I think when i'm pregnant i'll be able to better embrace my miles of stretch marks and will no longer have to suck in my stomach when i'm out in public. I want that pregnant "glow". I think i'll feel beautiful when I'm pregnant. I can't wait.

Please, tell me your joking!

Well, Earlier today I had planned on blogging about something pregnancy related and now I can't for the life of me think of what it was. It's not that I just forgot, but something totally ridiculous happened which made me quite angry.
So, our internet was down for the last 24 hours. We kept unplugging and reseting things and was on the phone with our internet service provider like a million times. They told us last night that they were experiencing an outage in our area and that is should be fixed by 6am. Well, it wasn't fixed then and by the time I got home from school, it still wasn't fixed. So, we called our ISP's again, and this time I started to get mad - and in return, the tech support guy cussed at me and when my husband mentioned that he had done tech support before the guy said "Good for you, congratulations". Are you fucking serious? Anyway, we ended up on the phone with like 4 different people and no one could fix our shit..and then it dawned on us. My father in law lives behind our house and currently has someone staying with him. Well a week or so ago, he had mentioned to us that his new roommate had done cable installation before and could hook up free cable (Not because he is with a cable company, but had planned on stealing it - illegally.) Anyway, once we realized this could have been the problem DH ran up to his dad's and sure enough that stupid moron had tried to hook up cable and unplugged our shit in the process. OMG I was so pissed off! The guy put our shit back together and we have internet again, finally. I'm just glad that we didn't have the technicians come out to fix it because i'm pretty sure they would have noticed that our stuff had been tampered with. Jeez what the hell is wrong with people? Like I understand the thought of free cable sounds nice and whatever but it's only idk like $30 a month. Plus, stealing cable is super illegally! This guy is way to old to be thinking like he's 15. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

:-\

I miss DH! The company he works for changed their shifts/hours a few weeks back. So, DH has been working 12 hours at a time on 3rd shift. Even on his days off, I still only see him at night for a few hours and sometimes in the morning for a short while. I miss sleeping together. Maybe since i'm returning to school tomorrow it'll help the time pass a little faster.. I just miss him so much.

When I wake up

Every morning is spent checking facebook at some point. And every morning I end up going through everyone's recently posted baby pictures. I want a baby so badly. I hope that April is our month. I'm so tired of the let down every cycle, seeing BFN after BFN. Plus I hate DH being disappointed every month it almost makes me feel responsible even though I really have no control over becoming pregnant or not. Just another one of my irrational thoughts. Idk, I read something and it has made me feel a little better about the subject- it was basically saying that only when the baby is ready will we get pregnant. Hmmm...

Dreams

I'm getting really frustrated. I no longer think that I'm grinding my teeth in my sleep, but I'm pretty positive that i'm clenching my teeth as hard as I can in my sleep. Waking up with my mouth and jaw hurting every morning is getting a little old. Not to mention I'm having one hell of a time sleeping now. For the last few weeks I could close my eyes and I was dead to the world - not anymore. I'm tossing and turning and just simply can't sleep. And when I do sleep, i'm having bad dreams and nightmares. I don't even like to say that out loud because it makes me feel like a little kid. Before I started my anxiety medication, I could probably count how many nightmares I had to that point. But since the medication, I have bouts where I have a nightmare, sometimes 2 every night. Now, for a while whenever I had a nightmare I'd wake up because I was having a panic attack in my sleep and couldn't breath. My husband would hold me and assure me that everything was ok and I'd immediately drift back into sleeping. But now, I'm off my meds and still having nightmares- however, i'm not waking up from them. I mean, it's ok to not be waking up in the middle of the night having panic attacks, but I would almost rather do that than being stuck in these stupid nightmares! It's to the point that if I happen to wake up after a few hours of sleep, I just have no desire to go back to sleep because I don't want to get stuck in any more of these bad dreams. I am so annoyed.

In the beginning..& baby names

Is it too early for me to pick out baby names? Nah! We actually started picking out baby names the day after we decided we were ready to start trying. Ah it's time for me to share the moment that we decided we were ready.
So- It was October '10 and we had been watching John and Kate plus 8 for a couple of weeks. I think watching it was what really got the baby ball rolling. I've wanted kids ever since I can remember. In fact, if I could have gone to school to become a mom- that's what I would have done. I feel like I was born ready. Even when I was a kid and was sort through toys that I didn't want/need anymore - I kept a few bags of things that I wanted to give to my children when I had them. Anyway lol One day dh and I watched a movie called Babies - they basically just filmed the lives of 4 babies in different living situations. One was in Namibia, Mongolia, Japan, and California. I think there were very few words said in the film - it was completely focused on the babies and what they were doing and how they were living. Sometime during the movie - DH brought up us having a baby and we started talking and decided that we were ready to start trying! I stopped taking my bcp that night and we've been trying ever since.

As for baby names that I am fond of at the moment:
*Eivlyn (My favorite)
*Ava
*Bella
*Harvey
*Oliver
*Jude
I'm sure my list will continue to grow throughout this journey. God I cannot wait to become pregnant. Today is CD 7. I should O somewhere around CD 23-26 (As long as this cycle is somewhat similar to my last two.) So let's see that means..about April 22nd-30th we will really concentrate on BD'ing. I hope April is our month!

One last thing before I go..Win a Vasectomy.

Dear God Peta cannot be serious. I saw this on someone else's  blog and just had to post about it. PETA, in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week has created a horrible contest. Basically any man that spays or neuters his pet during the month of April can enter into the contest. One eligible winner will be selected and he will receive a free vasectomy. "Now, one lucky man can be reproduction-free, free of charge, just like his pooch or feline friend." Are you fucking serious? I'm not going to bother going into an absolute rant about how this makes me feel - but know - I am totally disgusted by this campaign/contest and I don't feel like I can ever get behind Peta for anything, ever again. 

Petitions by Change.org|Start a Petition »

Boy or Girl?

http://www.thebump.com/calculators/ChineseGenderChart.aspx
So, I stumbled upon a Chinese Gender Chart on thebump.com. According to this chart, it seems as though I am more than likely going to have a girl. I'm looking forward to see if the chart proves to work for me. At this point, I would be ecstatic just to be pregnant and have a healthy baby! However, if I was able to choose - I'd have a girl. Her name will be Eivlyn. I've been set on that name since I was probably 15 - I've even had dreams about her. Hmm I will blog about my other baby names later :)

When will it end!

So, I still feel like death. I've come to the conclusion that I am now grinding my teeth in my sleep because when i'm awake my jaw feels really tense and aches. This only happens when my medication mg changes, and considering i'm going cold turkey it is in full effect. My stomach feels awful I get waves of pretty intense nausea..Oh, and i get some really intense hot flashes. They aren't even like pms hot flashes, like - pms hot flashes don't have shit on the one's i've been having recently. Out of the blue I get ungodly hot, so hot that it almost feels icy cold - if that makes sense. I'm just really annoyed with how I feel at this point and I cannot wait for this to end. I am glad however that I'm getting off of my medication now, as opposed to getting off of it after I become pregnant. I'm pretty sure being pregnant and dealing with such extreme withdrawals would've been very bad for the baby.

I haven't been to school at all this week and the majority of last week I was absent as well. Ah yea I guess I forgot to mention - I'm in cosmetology school. Again. I'm going back for my instructors license, whether or not I'll teach when I get out - who know's? Anyway, I haven't been going because I am in no shape to function outside of my house right now. I told the school that I have mono. I really don't have mono, but it sounds a lot better than saying i'm going through severe withdrawals from anxiety medication. Withdrawing from anxiety medication just isn't really a social thing lol. I do plan on going back to school, starting Monday.

I wish my cycles weren't so long. I'm a bit jealous of the girls who only have like a week in-between af ending and ovulating. I have like 2-3 weeks in-between. It just makes the process so much longer. I'm just so ready to be pregnant! I honestly thought that I would have been pregnant by now, I mean there are so many girls that I see on almost a daily basis that are getting pregnant by accident. It's just ridiculous. Which reminds me, I need to order more IC's - internet cheapie hpt's for you normal people. I buy them in bulk. Yes, I admit - i'm a poas-aholic. I did really well my last cycle, I only took one test! Compared to my usual 5 tests that I take during my 2ww lol. But I blame that partially on DH - dear husband - because he is usually more impatient about testing than I am! I hate testing too early, not so much because of the BFN - big fat negative - but because I hate telling dh that i'm not pregnant yet. It just crushes him every time and that makes me feel bad. Not like there is anything more I can do to aid in the baby making process, but I do sometimes feel like it's my body's fault for not making the baby - Yes, I know that is completely irrational. I have a lot of irrational thoughts - hence my anxiety disorder.


And yes <---- I recommend those.

Allow me to introduce myself..

I'm A. "A" as in Anonymous. For now, and most likely the remainder of my blog I believe I shall stay anonymous for many reasons. One of my biggest reason's is that my husband and I are trying to have a baby. I am so proud to actually state that I am "trying to have a baby". It seems like most pregnancies anymore were unexpected. It may sound silly but i'm so happy to be one of the few actually trying to conceive. However we have decided not to share this information with our family and friends. I just don't want to be asked constantly about whether or not were pregnant yet. Truth is, we've been trying since October. It has been a little difficult, I never expected it would take us this long to try and conceive. But I am thankful that I haven't had parent's or in-laws or sibling's asking all sorts of questions or even worse, judging. But hey, it's April and I should ovulate sometime near the end of the month so let's hope this one sticks!

Hmm I should probably catch you up on the rest of my life as it currently stands. Let's see, I quit my job yesterday and it felt great. I'm a hair stylist. I love doing hair, but I hate working in the wrong environments. My first salon wasn't too bad, taught me the ropes at least. Unfortunately that shop shut down and I was forced to seek work elsewhere. My second shop had potential...keyword: had. The owner was a little...hm - crazy, unclean, and irresponsible. I mean - the lady reused her shampoo caps for crying out loud! Needless to say, that job ended fairly abruptly. And for my last and most recent job- well, it was like a chain salon wannabe. I had an ok amount of walk-ins, but I was only making $5 a cut - and well, that just wasn't cutting it. I was spending more money going to work than I was making. Plus, the inside looked like a cross between a funeral home and a nursing home. It most definitely wasn't living up to it's sporty name. So I quit, with no plan B in mind and I am ok with that. I'm tired of working jobs that make me unhappy so i'm going to step back and carefully plan my next move.

Oh, here's a fun fact - I'm currently withdrawing from an anxiety medication - cold turkey. I've been taking anxiety meds for idk about a year and a half now. Well, my health insurance ran out in September so I quit seeing my psychotherapist or whatever she was. So, my medication ran out and I was also out of refills. Turns out, they wont refill my medication until I come back in for an appointment. And of course, they are booked for like the next two months plus the company that I go through has been extremely rude and unhelpful about the situation. So, i've decided to hell with it and that I am no longer going to take my medication. Well, the withdrawal is totally kicking my ass. I am on day 4 or 5 of not having my meds.Well, i ran out over a week ago and went a few days without it then was given an emergency supply for 4 days, and now i'm off of it again. It's pretty horrible, I feel nauseous most of the time, all I want to do is sleep, my senses are a bit off which tends to cause feelings of panic once in a while, I get bouts of dizziness, and I can go from laughing about absolutely nothing to wanting to cry and tremble all within 2 minutes, my dreams are even being affected.  The pharmacy tech told me today that withdrawal symptoms would last 5-7 days...However, everything i've read online from actual people that have actually come off of the same drug have said it's more like 7 weeks...So either way, i'm in for one hellish ride.

One last thing before I go - i'm Buddhist. It's not really something that I state out of the blue, but it's important to know for possible future blogging reasons. I didn't grow up in a church or with any sort of religion for that matter. I did go to church for a period of time in my younger teenage years, but it just didn't feel right - at all. I've always naturally felt like I leaned into Buddhism. I finally started to read more into it recently and it just completely suits me and since then I have taken refuge in the Three Jewels.
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Well, that about sums me up for now. At least, it's a general basis of myself. I'm sure I could go on, and on, and on but there wouldn't be much since in my blog if I just came out and said everything at once. So, i'm going to do my best and space out everything on a possible daily basis. See you tomorrow,

A.