Last Post

Considering the title of my blog is "My life in 2011" - this particular blog will soon be coming to an end. However, I am going to begin a new blog, more focused on infertility - my journey and struggles. It's been a long year and although we have yet to get pregnant, we have come a long way. We've been broke, wealthy, sold cars, bought cars, moved, had numerous jobs and have seen a few doctors. It's been a good year despite everything else going on, however I am ready for this one to end. It's time for a new year and hopefully we are on our way to bringing in a new life as well. When I have to the new address for my new blog ill post it here in case you'd like to follow. Happy holidays :)

On to the next step!

Dh and I received our insurance cards in the mail today! I was soo excited, probably more excited than any other person would be. I called the big hospital in Knoxville today and got dh and I an appt set up for November 2nd. Were going to see a Perinatologist (not sure if I spelled that correctly) . Hopefully whatever is keeping us from getting pregnant will be an easy fix. I cannot wait to see that first bfp! I'm on cd 32 right now and still haven't O'd. Hopefully i'll O soon to give this one last shot before we see the doctim hoping that I will be ending this cycle around the time of our appt so that way I'll be ready to take any meds they want me to take at the beginning of my next cycle. I just hope we get a good doctor who will work with us and help us out, because i don't feel like were going to get pregnant on our own. I think waiting for my doc appt is going to drive me more crazy than the tww!

I had a dream the other night about our baby. I believe it was a girl because she was wrapped in pink. All I did was hold her and I couldn't stop staring at her. She was so beautiful and so perfect in every way. I just sat there and rocked her and felt her warmth. I woke up and just cried.

Dear baby,

I hope you'll be ready to come into our lives soon because we are so ready for you. We already love you more than you'll ever know. I'm trying to be patient, I really am. It's been a year now, and I hope you will be in my arms by this time next year. I love you so much.

Your future mommy.

It's about damn time

So, I can't even remember the last blog I wrote or what it was about... So I'm going to start where I maybe, possibly left off.

We moved and it was definitely the right decision. Apart from living too close to my parents and were still not pregnant, everything else is.going great. I got a job at a great salon. I'm making pretty good $$$, much better than all the other salons I've worked at anyway. Dh got an awesome job selling vacation clubs. He's doing so well! Plus were finally getting health insurance! I'm so excited about it, hopefully i'll know today when our benefits will kick in - I'm thinking end of October? And its pretty convenient seeing as October will mark us ttc for 1 whole year. Good grief! I look back over the last year and cannot understand how I haven't gotten pregnant yet. Granted my cycles are all over the place and some are insanely long, but I know I've ovulated almost every cycle. We've tried preseed, bding every other day, hips elevated, sex in the am, sex in the pm, temping and not temping, quit smoking, quit drinking sodas, quit eating fast food, got off of my anxiety meds, gained weight, lost weight, drinking only water, I even ate a pineapple core to try and get pregnant. What nonsense! Now were just bding and relaxing, I'm not temping to keep my mind off of it and remain stress free. I'm feeling probably the healthiest I've ever felt so that's good I guess. Also, I'm seeing a chiropractor now which I'm hoping will aid in us ttc. I've had lower back/hip problems over the last couple of years. I see the "back cracker" once a week now. My cycle before last I didn't O till cd 60, my last cycle after I began seeing the chiropractor I O'd on cd 18 - could be coincidence or maybe realigning my body is helping it function properly. That cycle has already ended and I'm on cd 11 now so we'll see how this cycle goes. As soon as our insurance kicks in, dh is getting a sa done. I'm a bit nervous about it, mostly because he had epididymitis twice. Whether or not that can affect his reproductive ability- I have no idea. Fingers crossed his stuff works! But if everything with him checks out, that means I'm the problem. I wouldn't be surprised if the problem is with me, I mean my cycles are all over the place, I have midcycle spotting sometimes, I'm a mess. Hopefully whatever the case is they can fix it so we can finally get pregnant.

A good friend of mine is about to pop, she's due Oct. 9th (i don't think she'll make it that long) anyway, we work together which is great but some of the time it does make me feel a little down when she talks about what she bought for the baby and things like that. Her baby was an accident - I don't think she realizes how lucky she is. I would give anything to be pregnant. I went to her dads house with her yesterday and took her maternity photos for her. They turned out soo cute! I absolutely cannot wait to take maternity pics. Her baby shower is this coming weekend, not sure how that'll make me feel - I've avoided every baby shower since ttc but I'm going to hers since we've been friends since elementary school. I haven't gotten her anything yet...I need to get on that lol

Baby name has changed! Instead of Eivlyn for a girl, we've decided on Maggie :) Im not sure if we'll change the spelling , but I love it! And here lately I've been seeing the name a lot! I cut through a parking lot the other day and in the back was a street named Maggie. Also I was looking at a website for wall escalated earlier, I was thinking how cute these would be for "maggie's room" and right after I saw that there was a picture of something that said "custom for Maggie" oh my goodness I'm absolutely in love with the name. I really hope our first baby is a girl, but of course ill take girl or boy at this point I don't care I just want a little one!

Frank

I've been seriously neglecting my blog. I've been packing and moving and cleaning for what seems like a month (maybe it has been a month?) Nonetheless, i'm over it. I'm tired of putting things in boxes, when my boxes are always too big for the items, or if I fill the box up - then it's too heavy to lift and then I have to unpack and repack. This is our last week here, thank God. I'm over this town and the majority of the people in it. However, i'm already over the people where we are moving - my family.

For the last year, i've been considering getting a basset hound. They are small (well, short at least), lazy, and super cute. A friend of ours has a basset that just had pups so we went to see them - I didn't fall in love with any of the pups however..but I did fall in love with the father of the pups. It just so happens that they only got the male basset (Frank) to mate with their basset. Now that they have mated and had pups, they don't want Frank anymore. I've gotten deeply attached to Frank. I dream about him. I go visit our friend just to see Frank. Frank is even the wallpaper of my cellphone. We were given permission to have Frank - papers and all. But, the current owners want to let his original owners say their last goodbyes before giving him to us... Which was fine since we're in the process of moving anyway.

We met with my mother the other day midway between here and there to give her some of our boxes for her to take back with her. We had lunch and told her that we were rescuing a basset hound (he isn't in the best of situations). She didn't seem like she loved the idea, but she couldn't tell us no. I mean, the lady has 9 cat's and dogs - she has no room to talk. So, now that we had told my mom and she didn't say no, we figured we were all set to take Frank with us....Until today.

I called my mom on my way to Wal-mart to pick up my new, first pair of glasses (I look like a dork =/) I was telling her about some job possibilities and she just had a weird tone in her voice. She finally said, there's a problem with us getting the dog. I asked what and she told me that she spoke with my father about it and that he got angry and said that if we could afford a dog (what, like $20 a month in food?) that we could afford my insurance and cell phone bill. Now the only reason I hadn't been paying those things, was because I was in school and didn't have a job. The deal with my parents was they would pay those while I was in school. I just graduated and fully plan on getting a job asap once were moved. And then said that we weren't thinking this through and that it would be too hard for us to find a place to live with a dog and 2 cats - like I hadn't already thought about it. Basically, she was saying that we can't have him there. Lovely mom. I feel like a teenager all over again, being told what I can and cannot do. Fucking lovely.

So, we've decided that we are just going to take our savings and go ahead and get my own insurance and take my phone off of our family plan and start my own. I'm absolutely tired of my dad holding it over my head that he pays those 2 bills for me. He's done this before with other things. For instance, i'd get a tattoo (i'm super good friends with local artists, so a lot of my work has been insanely cheap if not free, plus I trade my hair services for tatts sometimes) anyway, i'd get one and he'd throw it in my face that he pays my insurance and cell phone bill. At this point, i'd rather take the risk of driving uninsured than him be able to hold that over me. I'm fucking over it.

I'm going to get a job, 2 if I have to and save up as much money as quickly as possible so we can move out of there. And i'm getting my insurance and phone put in my name asap. I refuse to be treated and talked to like a damn child.

Stressed 2 the Max

Oh my goodness. Shit has been totally crazy and I fee like I haven't been on here in a minute. Here is the low down:

• Still packing up the house little by little. Taking a load of non essential boxes up to my parents house next week. Joy.
• One of my school instructors has been a bitch to me the last couple of days for no reason, making my classroom experience slightly unpleasant.
• A friend of mine that I went to school with - found out a few weeks ago that she has lymphoma and wasn't going to get treatment. A week later I was told it was in her neck and down her side. 2 days ago I was told it had spread to her chest and legs and that she already has her coffin picked out and has made funeral arrangements. Today I was told that the cancer is all over her, they won't know what kind of lymphoma it is till Friday. I don't think she is going to make it much longer....She's only 37. 
• Tuesday, the 21st, will mark the 6th year anniversary of Eric's death. Eric was my closest and best friend at the time and had asked me out on a date while I was out of town..Well the day I got back he committed suicide. This time of year really bothers me. 
• Found out today that my dad had some shit cut out of his chest...Weeks ago! I don't know whats going on, my family never tells me anything at all...But I know they have cut out quite a few spots off of his skin (skin cancer? idk) I guess this time was pretty deep and he had to have stitches. This really worries me - my dad is 73.
• 2 people on my fb announced their pregnancies this week and I was invited to a baby shower. I hate the way I feel when other people get pregnant. Life has been so ridiculous lately that I haven't even been temping, but I know I haven't ovulated yet and i'm on CD....20? 
• I've started couponing...like crazy. Mostly because I get so deep into it that it's the only thing I think about, and honestly I'd rather think about nothing but coupons and crunching numbers right now than all the other shit going on. 

The Great Sperm Race

So, I've seen this documentary brought up quite a few times on the TTC boards. Since i'm sick and having nothing to do, I decided to watch it. Wow. If you haven't watched it yet, go do it - now. Also, I've included The Great Sperm Race game at the bottom! lol









Here is the link to the game The Great Sperm Race Game

Fml.

Well, we got quite a bit of work done on the house this weekend. I got DH to go through all of his clothes and separate what he's keeping and bag up the stuff he wasn't. I think he ended up with like 8 bags of clothes to give away lol We've started on the bedroom, going through everything - packing up our non essentials, throwing out trash and such and bagging up shit to take to goodwill. Well, my living room is full of bags and crates and all sorts of shit that I need to haul off to Goodwill. I'd like to do it today, but I feel like death.

You see, we have mold - one of the big reasons for us needing to move out of this hell hole. I know we have mold, because you can smell it. Not in every room, but I'd say we have it in the majority of the house - especially the closet in our bedroom where I spent probably a good hour or more cleaning it out by myself last night..Well after I was done cleaning the closet I hopped in the shower and my nose started bleeding. Lovely. I can't believe how sick i've gotten from cleaning the house. I really should go buy some masks or something because I wont be able to keep cleaning and packing if I'm going to stay sick like this. I can't wait to get out of here! DH is going to put in his 2 weeks notice about mid July and were hoping to begin moving the beginning of August.

In other news, a girl I went to HS with announced her pregnancy on FB today. I'm happy for her, but jealous and envious at the same time. I mean, idk, it just gets to me - mostly because I know her and her husband haven't been trying for very long. Were in month #8. =/

Let's Bounce!

:)
So, DH and I have decided to get the hell out of this town! Woohoo!!! We wont be moving to the beach, which is what I'd really love to do at some point - but we will be moving to Gatlinburg. I'm from there originally. The plan is for me to finish school (should be done by July) and for us to sell most of our shit and save up as much money as we can then were going to bounce. My parent's still live there and have a guest house so we plan on staying there for a couple of months while we get/adjust to new jobs and save up some more money while we look for an apartment of our own. The quicker we can move in and out of my parents house the better. I love my parents, don't get me wrong, but I really, really like my space between me and my family lol. I've got some connections up there still so hopefully we can have at least a job for one of us lined up before we move. I'm not terribly excited about being that close to my family, but I'm so fucking stoked to get out of this town! There just isn't shit here for us and this city isn't doing anything about it. Were hoping to be moved up there no later than the end of August, hopefully sooner than that to secure jobs. I absolutely cannot wait like time cannot move fast enough right now. I've already been scouting out apartments lol and the majority of them look pretty freakin' sweet. I'm so excited!!!

Baby Clothes

So, I'm on TTC boards pretty frequently - mostly the "Getting Pregnant" board on babycenter.com  I see a lot of women on there that are ttc and already have baby clothes and other baby items for when they do get pregnant and have a baby. Well, I haven't done any of that. I just haven't brought myself to buy any baby stuff and I don't think that I will till I'm actually pregnant (Unless I get coupons for diapers, then maybe I will start buying diapers lol - I've been getting into this whole "extreme couponing" thing) Now just because i'm not buying baby stuff doesn't mean that I don't glance at every adorable piece of baby clothing when i'm walking through Wal-mart. There's a particular stroller and car seat that I look at every time I go by, just to make sure it's still there for when I do need it.

Now to the point of all of this - about a week or so ago when we thought that I might be pregnant, DH had told a few people that he worked with about our "maybe baby" I didn't mind, he was so excited and hopeful - I can't blame him for telling whoever he came across that day. So, one of the ladies he works with - thinking that I may be pregnant- bought us a little pair of baby jeans. DH brought them home this morning and while he was in bed I just held them. I wasn't sure how to think or feel holding these little tiny jeans in my hands. All I could do really is imagine one day we would have a baby of our own to put into those pants. I've tucked the jeans into my cabinet for safe keeping, but I have a feeling i'll probably get them out a lot just to look at them. I just want this so badly...

A little concerned

I'm about midway through af- thank god. I didn't think I would ever get out of my last cycle. That was absolute Hell and I hope I don't have another cycle like it. I'm thinking about getting some Evening Primrose Oil to use this cycle, and i'm also going to look into things that are supposed to regulate my cycles because these 40-57 day cycles really suck!

It's almost June, which will make it our 8th month trying... I can't believe it's already been 8 months and nothing. But, I was really naive I guess when we first start trying. I really thought that I would be about half way through my pregnancy by now. Haha that was wishful thinking. Anyway, if my cycles stay as long as they have been, I really only have this cycle and one, maybe 2 more before it'll mark our 1 year of trying. Of course I hope that we get pregnant before the 1 year mark, but if we don't? I have no idea what we'll do. I mean, soon as we hit 12 months i'll make a doctors appointment and try to go from there - I definitely wont be wasting any time..

And then there are other concerns: DH. I'm almost finished with school, for good. DH however, hasn't had the chance to go to school. He has supported us while I've been in and out of cosmo school. So, now that I'm about out he is thinking of going to school. Honestly it makes me a little nervous. I totally understand why he wants to go to school to be whatever it is he wants to be, it'd be better for us for him to be able to get a decent paying job instead of a minimum wage job that may/may not ever go anywhere. But, he brought up some points the other day: If he is in school and I'm working, how are we going to take care of the baby? I'll have to take time off when the baby is born, and if he's in school thats going to make things pretty difficult for a while.  I understand the reasoning behind that point - it totally makes sense...but, what if he decides to go to school for something that is going to take 4 years? Then what? Should we put off having a baby? I don't think I could put off having a baby for that long, not at this point. Plus, not saying that we are going to move in the next 4 years (I really want to move in the next year or so!) but, I don't want to feel tied down for that long. Ugh this school thing is stressing me out. He needs to go to school whether its a technical thing or college, he needs to go to help provide a better life for us. I just wish he was already done with school so we could move on. Blah blah blah.

My Charts

So, even though I've posted a link to my charts before, it will only show my current chart and the chart from my last cycle. I decided to post all of my charts here instead -starting with my current chart.

I need a BFP or AF - stop dragging this out!

Ugh! This has by far been the worst cycle I have ever had. I am so over it! Either I need to get a BFP or AF needs to hurry her ass up so I can move on. Not only was it anovulatory and I had to split my charts in half to compensate for it, but it's been the most frustrating cycle ever! My CH's have jumped around so much that it's not even funny. For example, I have solid CH's right now on CD 15, but if I change that temp by .1 (My temp for CD15 is made up because I didn't take it that day - long story short - I HAVE to put a temp in there for my chart to make any sense at all) Anyway, if it's changed by .1 so from 96.66 to 96.67 - my CH's move to CD 17 and their dotted. Now granted, visually speaking I can see how CD17 could be an O day - however, my pre O symptoms started on CD 13 and the peak of those symptoms was on CD15. I didn't have any O symptoms on CD17 other than sore boobs, which i've had every day none stop since CD13. Ugh.

So here is my dilemma, I'm almost positive that I O'd on CD 15. I'm CD 28 today which makes me 13DPO. I should get AF tomorrow. If by some ridiculous chance I did O on CD 17 that would only make me 11DPO. Now, my temps have stayed up - it dipped a little today by like .17. I haven't been cramping, but I've had a fairly constant "ache" since 1am on CD 25. Today when I got up, I've got super light spotting. Nothing is actually coming out, it's just super light brown/pink on the tp when I wipe. The spotting today is the only thing that would make me possibly think that i'm 11DPO and not 13. So this could mean AF is on it's way or i'm miraculously pregnant. I haven't been turning my A/C on so that it wont affect my temps and i'm getting really fed up with sleeping in a hot room. I figured my temp would have dropped the last 3 days, since it usually drops and stays down as of 11DPO - but then again, this cycle is nothing at all like any other cycle I've had.

I'm really just rambling out of frustration. If my temp hasn't dropped tomorrow, i'll be taking my last FRER. 

Fail. BFN 14DPO No af? Wth!

Ugh I am miserable.

So, DH brought home some Frer's this am, unfortunately I had already peed before I knew that he had bought some hpt's. So, I held it in for 3 hours, peed in a cup, dipped the stick - and waited. Time was up - not even the faintest line. Hell, I didn't even get an indent or an evap line.  I'm pretty confused. My temp dipped just slightly today, but it definitely didn't drop and I definitely haven't gotten my period yet, or even spotting for that matter. My lower uterine (?) area has been a little hmm achey/numb feeling off and on since really late last night but other than that I'm not breaking out or showing any other signs of af.

Well, I went to the doctor today to get my blood work results and also for a pap and pregnancy test. I was scheduled for this stuff weeks ago. I got there, blood work all looked fine. The Doc seemed surprised that I was supposed to have a pap done today (I don't understand why, she's the one that scheduled it after all since I missed my pap with my ob/gyn back in February..) Anyway, she told me that I didn't need to have a pap if it had been a year or less since my last but agreed to do it anyway. I also showed her my chart and the fact that my temps have stayed up for 14 days. She continued to set up for the pap and I had to interrupt her and ask "Aren't you going to do a pregnancy test?" (I didn't tell her I got a BFN this am.) She said she could but that it was probably too early. Wtf. I went to the bathroom, peed in the cup and went back for my exam. She did the pap and said that I had a cyst? I guess she took a sample of it or something but said that it looked normal. She didn't do a pelvic exam though, which I don't think i've ever had a pap without a pelvic? She said I would get a letter in the mail with the results of my exam, but it'll take up to 3 weeks.

I asked her if by chance I'm not pregnant if their is anything I she could recommend to shorten/regulate my cycles - I mean, come on, my cycles usually range from 40-57 days. That makes this whole TTC process much more difficult. She told me that I could try bcp that it might regulate my cycle but also might make it more irregular. Yea, because that's exactly what I need. I brought up that I've read some things about herbal supplements and stuff that could possibly make my cycles a little more regular and all she could tell me was that it couldn't hurt to try. These just weren't the answers I was expecting from my doctor.Then, she told me "You could always get insurance so then you could see a good doctor and maybe get some more answers from them" ....................Also not something I expected hear from my doctor. So basically, I feel like i'm just shit out of luck. I went to the doctor seeking answers, not this BS.

It kind of pisses me off. Ok, it really pisses me off. It's like i'm not being taken seriously because I haven't been TTC for a whole year. Maybe I should have lied and said that I had, maybe then someone would pay attention to me. I think there is something up with my progesterone, I spot every single cycle - but my doctor didn't even catch that. Ugh! FML.

I think I might get my BFP tomorrow

So, I'm 13dpo today and my temp hasn't dropped. This has never happened to me before. Every cycle since I began charting, my temp always drops on 11dpo and stays dropped. Not this time though, this time its different. I thought that my ch's were in the wrong place till recently, I played with some of the empty days on my chart to see what other possibilities of an O day there were, and the only one that made sense is exactly where FF placed it. Other than the fact that my temps have been up for 13 days, my boobs have been hurting.the entire 2 weeks! Now, my boobs always hurt when I ovulate but usually midway through my 2ww they stop hurting completely. I'm 13 dpo and they still hurt :)

I really wasn't excited at all about this cycle because of the first big chunk of it being anov not to mention the fact that we bd just 3 days before I O'd. I didn't expect to get pregnant this go around, but right now, I've never felt closer to being pregnant.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up. My temp could always drop tomorrow and I could get af, but that has never happened to me. Every cycle my temp drops days before af and then I have spotting which eventually leads to af. No temp drops and no spotting. Oh dear God could I really be pregnant? I'll be totally shocked, mostly by the fact that we bd 3 days before O. 3 days! I know sperm can live up to 5 in superb conditions, but after all my cycles of trying to bd right on time I can't believe the one time where everything wasn't how I thought it should be I might actually be pregnant.

What a horrible time to not have an hpt's laying around! Ugh I'm dying to know, but I should know soon enough. I have a doctors appt. tomorrow. They are supposed to do a pap/pelvic exam and tell me the results of my blood test as well as do a pregnancy test. My appt isn't till 1 so I guess after I pee when I wake up I'm going to hold it till I can go at the doctors office so I can give them a more concentrated sample lol ugh I'm going nuts!

Also, dh and I had originally planned that when I got my bfp we wouldn't tell our families for a while, just to make sure everything was ok. Well, if I find out tomorrow we may have to change those plans. My little sister is graduating high school Tuesday so we will be going.to visit my family. Dh can't keep a secret, at all. It makes him physically ill lol. The day he proposed he was sick all day! So now if we go up there and I'm Preggo we will have to tell them. Oh goodness.

Well, ill update tomorrow. Wish me luck

Unstable

I feel like I'm possibly on the verge of a mental breakdown. I just don't know what else to say

I finally ovulated!

Well, I was starting to think that it was never going to happen - but I O'd! However, i'm not exactly sure if I O'd on CD 40 or 41. I'd like to think 41 because my symptoms were the most intense that day, but unfortunately a huge lack of sleep didn't allow me to test that morning. I go in Thursday morning to get some blood work down and next Monday I go in for a pap/pelvic exam as well as a pregnancy test. I will be totally shocked if I got preggo this cycle, mostly because we only bd on cd41. But, I did also eat pineapple core for 5 days lol. Either way, i'm glad I O'd and that i'm in the 2ww and that I have doctors appointments coming up. Woohoo

O! O! O!

I'm going to ovulate! I know, it's finally going to happen after 40+ days! Woohoo! My nipples started to get a little sore yesterday and are definitely sore today. That kind of gave me a heads up that O was finally coming along. Then today, I was sitting in the living room and DH was at the back of the kitchen making some Kool-aid - and I could smell the kool-aid all the way in the living room! I could even tell the flavor! I can smell everything around this time in my cycle it's crazy. Oh, and I finally have Ewcm! I should O any day now! Now, I just have to figure out if I have new lining from where I spotted for a week or if it's 40+ days old lining...I'm hoping that it's fresh lining so maybe this one will stick. If it's really old I don't know if we will have much luck but I'm going to try everything I can! Unfortunately (TMI WARNING - You have been warned!) DH and I were going to Bd early this afternoon (Before I realized I was already producing ewcm) and well, there was foreplay and turns out i'm a little too good at playing around and therefore lost my chance for today- needless to say we didn't get to bd lol Oh well, hopefully I have a day or 2 before I O and I will definitely Bd as much as I can until then! Oh, and i'm going to try the pineapple core thing - fun stuff.

CD 39 - This is getting ridiculous

Ugh! Today was CD 39 and I still haven't ovulated. The only small bit of hope I has is that maybe over the next couple of days I will get lucky and O! The latest I have O'd in the past was CD 44, so fingers crossed that maybe that will happen again. However, even if I do O in the next couple of days, i'm sure my lining is so old that nothing would stick to it anyway. Jeez this is sooo frustrating!!!!! I just want to get this over with already so I can start ttc again. I will say this though, if I do happen to ovulate i'm going to try the pineapple core thing and maybe that will aid in my chance of getting preggo. From what I understand you eat a chunk of pineapple core for the 5 days following O it's supposed to strengthen your lining or something. I might just be making stuff up right now, I really need to look into it again and make sure my facts are straight lol. I seem to be producing a little more cm than usual yesterday and today and my nipples are getting a little sensitive..please please let me O!!!!!!

Doc update

Pregnancy test is negative -duh I knew that. She is going to draw blood to test my thyroid and 3 other things.. 2 started with a c but I don't remember what they were. She is having me come back next Monday to do a pap and to go over my blood work results and to do a repeat pregnancy test - just in case. Then we will go from there and see what meds they may need to put le on. Now I need to wait till next Monday, goodness I'm impatient! Oh and she absolutely loved the fact that I brought in all of my charts!

Scratch that they aren't drawing my blood till the 19th and doing my pap on the 23rd. Jeez. Well maybe I will have finally O'd by then.

Wishful thinking

At the doctor

I'm here! I'm sitting in my room waiting to be seen by the doctor my friend K told me about. I printed off all of my charts/data and brought it all with me too. So far they've checked my weight, pulse, and are doing a pregnancy test just to be sure. I still have no idea what to expect out of this appt, I just hope they can fix me because I've been feeling pretty broken this cycle lol. I'm on cd38 with no O and my temps are still weird. I wonder if its a thyroid issue? I guess ill just have to wait and find out. I'll update when I have some news :)

Feeling hopeful

Mother's Day

I'm not quite sure how I feel about today. Every I go people are celebrating being a "Mom". Something I have yet to experience. Everyone's talking about how great it is to be a mom and how awesome their children are. I just wish I could celebrate it as well...Maybe next year it will be my turn. Doctor tomorrow - hopefully with good news

One step forward

Well my temps are still crazy, but I have good news! I was able to get in touch with the "family planning doctor this morning and have an appointment scheduled for Monday. Woo! Hopefully they'll get me back on track and on my way to making a baby :)

:(

We have a picture of the new snake on my FB page titled "Our newest family member" Well, my mother in law commented saying "That's an interesting family member, I'm glad he lives with you, and I would have preferred a grandchild instead"

She doesn't know we've been ttc. Ugh :(

Pick up the damn phone!

I tried calling the health dept. like 5 times today, and left messages! Not once did anyone answer or return my calls. How annoying. I'm still spotting today except its really really light, thank goodness I think it's about over. My temps are still really low. I was hoping to have my appointment made this week but i'll just have to call a thousand times tomorrow and hopefully get in to see a doctor.

In other news, my husband got his first pet snake today lol. His name is...well it doesn't have one yet. It's really friendly though and seems to like me quite a bit. And I will continue to like him until my husband makes the mistake of feeding that thing in front of me. That was the deal, we can have a snake but anything involved with feeding him - leave me out of it!

Osama bin laden died. I really figured the guy was already dead somewhere in the desert. I could go on and on about how ridiculous I think it is that people are rejoicing because we killed the bad guy. But, i'm not going to go into it. However, I do feel like its kind of morally fucked up for people to celebrate anyone's death. Hm. 

An apple a day

So, i'm calling the doctor tomorrow to make an appointment, hopefully they can get me in fairly soon. I'm still spotting, which is ridiculous and annoying. I'm hoping they will check my thyroid and hormone levels to see if everything is what it needs to be. As much as I don't want to, i'm 3 months late on my pap exam so I guess i'll have to get one of those done too. Yuck. Oh well, I just hope they figure out what's going on with me and can fix it. I just want to get onto my next cycle or O so I can get back to ttc.

Is this really necessary?

k;djfkladsjfkla! That's about how I'm feeling right now. I was so hopeful about his month. But after this past week I just want to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I am still bleeding. It's not heavy but it's not spotting either. It's really kind of watery? But it's been going on for 6 days now. I'm still not having any serious pain, i've still got a bit of a very mild dull ache in my lower stomach though. My boobs don't hurt, no hot flashes, nothing. I'm calling the health dept. first thing Monday morning to get in and get checked out. There is something obviously going on with me and I just want to know whats wrong and how to fix it. Also, my temps are doing really crazy things here lately, they've been getting really really low - lower than my temp has ever been. Take a look for yourself My Ovulation Chart

I'm afraid something is wrong.

I'm on Cd 27 and no sign that O is coming. I was thinking the spotting i'm having was leading up to O, but this is the 4th day of spotting and there was a lot of it this am when I got up. My nipples aren't sore and that always happens a couple of days leading up to O. I don't feel like this is AF either, which of course it isn't since i haven't ovulated, but i've had a constant dull ache in my lower stomach/uterus area the last couple of days. It's got me a little scared. DH and I got into it this morning. When I got up to pee this am, I went into the bathroom and noticed I had dried up - eh - blood all over me. I wiped it all off and started to panic. I went back to the bedroom to tell dh that i was covered in blood which of course freaked him out and then he got a little frustrated with me because I couldn't tell him if everything was ok or what was causing it. Because I don't know what's going on. I don't understand what my body is doing right now. I don't know if it's ok for me to be spotting that heavy without AF soon to follow. Oh and my temp today nose dived! I just have no idea what to think right now. I'm just lost.

Did I O?

That is the question! I'm on CD 26 today. 2 out of the last 4 cycles I've charted - I've O'd on cd 26. I'm still spotting not as much today though as yesterday. But none the less, i've had spotting for the last 3 days and i've had almost a constant dull aching in my lower stomach/ uterus area. My nipples are a little sensitive today, finally - but usually they start getting really really sore a few days before I O. So, that has me a bit concerned. Also my temps the last couple of days have been a little unusual compared to my other charts, but todays temp is where a cover line would be so i'm hoping tomorrows temp spikes! I hope today was my O day. DH and I bd this am but we didn't yesterday, so if I didn't O today I wont be too upset because then that'll give us another day to dtd and hopefully get enough swimmers in there to make this baby happen! I'm just so sick and tired of these long cycles and ttc in general, I want to be pregnant already! Ugh. 

Here it comes!

I'm about to O! Or at least I hope so. I'm starting to feel like shit and i just noticed i'm having really light spotting. This has happened once before, where I had spotting right before I O'd. Kmfx.

Just a little lovin' early in the mornin'

So, I still haven't O'd.. But my stomach has been getting a little crampy so I still think that I should O any day now. I wish I would hurry up and O already so I can get on to the 2ww! We're still trying to bd everyday if time allows right now so hopefully this will be our cycle. I'm CD 24 today.
I really like owl stuff ^_^ 

ETD

ETD - Estimated Testing Day. Not sure if there is such a thing, but there is now. I should O any day now, just waiting on that temp spike. I'm hoping it's soon, so that way I can test on Mother's Day.

Darn - CD 22

Well, I wasn't able to temp this morning. Mostly because I went to bed at 7am, which is usually the time I temp every morning. DH finally had a day off so I stayed up with him all night so we could spend time together. I hate his 3rd shift job, but it's what we have to do to get by right now. I was really looking forward to seeing what my temp was today since it was super low yesterday. I don't think I have O'd yet though, mostly because my boobs are just now starting to feel slightly tender and by the time I O they will hurt if you look at them lol. DH and I did bd again this morning, this time we used pre-seed. I make ewcm, but it doesn't ever seem like very much so I'm hoping a bit of pre-seed will help with that. If this cycle doesn't work, maybe next cycle I will try robitussin (yuck). Oh, and here is my chart :) <a href="http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/Knautica21">My Ovulation Chart</a>

 

I want to be an Easter bunny

At cosmotology school, you are the minority if A) You don't have kids or B) you aren't currently pregnant. I am a minority. Anyway some of the fairly new mom's were talking the other day about how this is their first time being an Easter bunny this year. I'm so envious. I want to be an Easter bunny too :(

Dh and I were going to start bding yesterday but both of our sleeping schedules were off so we didn't get the chance to. But we were able to this morning and plan on doing it again tonight and everyday for probably 6 more days or at least a day or two after I O which could be any day now. My temp dropped super low this morning so hopefully I'm gearing up to O. Please please let this be our month!

It's been a long time

Well, if you haven't noticed - I haven't blogged in almost a week! But trust me, it's not because I haven't been wanting to. Last Thursday I tripped over who knows what in a parking lot. I sprained my wrist and bashed my knee, both of which are still bruised and sore. So, needless to say I wasn't able to type much because of how bad my wrist hurt. Then Saturday, DH and I had to go to the hospital, his Great Uncle wasn't doing so well so they had the family come in to say their good byes - which I'm glad we went because he passed away early Sunday morning. With all of this going on it has difficult to find the time to get on here and blog. The funeral was this morning. Everyone met at the funeral home to get in the procession to go to the cemetery where he would be buried. I was sitting in my car waiting for the other people to show so we could leave, and I started to smell something. At first, I thought it was coming out of the funeral home because they had just opened the doors to load the casket into the hearse. I thought I was going to get sick! And then I realized, the odor was dry rub coming from the bbq/rib restaurant next door. Yuck! Death and bbq do not go together. Ugh, anyway - It's almost time for me to O!!! I'm on CD18 right now. Last cycle I O'd on CD 23 and the cycle before that was CD 26. So,DH and I have decided that on Thursday (Cd 20) We would start to BD every day for a week. Now, we haven't tried this before. I've read a lot that says you should bd every other day then like 3 days leading up to O then skipping a day then bding again but since I don't know ahead of time the day that I will O, we are just going to do it every single day. I usually know a couple of days ahead of time because my boobs get really sore and I get headaches that wont go away. Anyway, I can't wait to O so I can start the tww! Fingers crossed!!!

Smells that don't go together

I'll elaborate more on this later, but the smell of death and bbq is a really gross combination.

Hold me till I die

Last Minute thoughts

I remember what my original post was going to be for today. Basically, I'm hoping to become more accepting of my body once i'm pregnant. I think when i'm pregnant i'll be able to better embrace my miles of stretch marks and will no longer have to suck in my stomach when i'm out in public. I want that pregnant "glow". I think i'll feel beautiful when I'm pregnant. I can't wait.

Please, tell me your joking!

Well, Earlier today I had planned on blogging about something pregnancy related and now I can't for the life of me think of what it was. It's not that I just forgot, but something totally ridiculous happened which made me quite angry.
So, our internet was down for the last 24 hours. We kept unplugging and reseting things and was on the phone with our internet service provider like a million times. They told us last night that they were experiencing an outage in our area and that is should be fixed by 6am. Well, it wasn't fixed then and by the time I got home from school, it still wasn't fixed. So, we called our ISP's again, and this time I started to get mad - and in return, the tech support guy cussed at me and when my husband mentioned that he had done tech support before the guy said "Good for you, congratulations". Are you fucking serious? Anyway, we ended up on the phone with like 4 different people and no one could fix our shit..and then it dawned on us. My father in law lives behind our house and currently has someone staying with him. Well a week or so ago, he had mentioned to us that his new roommate had done cable installation before and could hook up free cable (Not because he is with a cable company, but had planned on stealing it - illegally.) Anyway, once we realized this could have been the problem DH ran up to his dad's and sure enough that stupid moron had tried to hook up cable and unplugged our shit in the process. OMG I was so pissed off! The guy put our shit back together and we have internet again, finally. I'm just glad that we didn't have the technicians come out to fix it because i'm pretty sure they would have noticed that our stuff had been tampered with. Jeez what the hell is wrong with people? Like I understand the thought of free cable sounds nice and whatever but it's only idk like $30 a month. Plus, stealing cable is super illegally! This guy is way to old to be thinking like he's 15. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

:-\

I miss DH! The company he works for changed their shifts/hours a few weeks back. So, DH has been working 12 hours at a time on 3rd shift. Even on his days off, I still only see him at night for a few hours and sometimes in the morning for a short while. I miss sleeping together. Maybe since i'm returning to school tomorrow it'll help the time pass a little faster.. I just miss him so much.

When I wake up

Every morning is spent checking facebook at some point. And every morning I end up going through everyone's recently posted baby pictures. I want a baby so badly. I hope that April is our month. I'm so tired of the let down every cycle, seeing BFN after BFN. Plus I hate DH being disappointed every month it almost makes me feel responsible even though I really have no control over becoming pregnant or not. Just another one of my irrational thoughts. Idk, I read something and it has made me feel a little better about the subject- it was basically saying that only when the baby is ready will we get pregnant. Hmmm...

Dreams

I'm getting really frustrated. I no longer think that I'm grinding my teeth in my sleep, but I'm pretty positive that i'm clenching my teeth as hard as I can in my sleep. Waking up with my mouth and jaw hurting every morning is getting a little old. Not to mention I'm having one hell of a time sleeping now. For the last few weeks I could close my eyes and I was dead to the world - not anymore. I'm tossing and turning and just simply can't sleep. And when I do sleep, i'm having bad dreams and nightmares. I don't even like to say that out loud because it makes me feel like a little kid. Before I started my anxiety medication, I could probably count how many nightmares I had to that point. But since the medication, I have bouts where I have a nightmare, sometimes 2 every night. Now, for a while whenever I had a nightmare I'd wake up because I was having a panic attack in my sleep and couldn't breath. My husband would hold me and assure me that everything was ok and I'd immediately drift back into sleeping. But now, I'm off my meds and still having nightmares- however, i'm not waking up from them. I mean, it's ok to not be waking up in the middle of the night having panic attacks, but I would almost rather do that than being stuck in these stupid nightmares! It's to the point that if I happen to wake up after a few hours of sleep, I just have no desire to go back to sleep because I don't want to get stuck in any more of these bad dreams. I am so annoyed.

In the beginning..& baby names

Is it too early for me to pick out baby names? Nah! We actually started picking out baby names the day after we decided we were ready to start trying. Ah it's time for me to share the moment that we decided we were ready.
So- It was October '10 and we had been watching John and Kate plus 8 for a couple of weeks. I think watching it was what really got the baby ball rolling. I've wanted kids ever since I can remember. In fact, if I could have gone to school to become a mom- that's what I would have done. I feel like I was born ready. Even when I was a kid and was sort through toys that I didn't want/need anymore - I kept a few bags of things that I wanted to give to my children when I had them. Anyway lol One day dh and I watched a movie called Babies - they basically just filmed the lives of 4 babies in different living situations. One was in Namibia, Mongolia, Japan, and California. I think there were very few words said in the film - it was completely focused on the babies and what they were doing and how they were living. Sometime during the movie - DH brought up us having a baby and we started talking and decided that we were ready to start trying! I stopped taking my bcp that night and we've been trying ever since.

As for baby names that I am fond of at the moment:
*Eivlyn (My favorite)
*Ava
*Bella
*Harvey
*Oliver
*Jude
I'm sure my list will continue to grow throughout this journey. God I cannot wait to become pregnant. Today is CD 7. I should O somewhere around CD 23-26 (As long as this cycle is somewhat similar to my last two.) So let's see that means..about April 22nd-30th we will really concentrate on BD'ing. I hope April is our month!

One last thing before I go..Win a Vasectomy.

Dear God Peta cannot be serious. I saw this on someone else's  blog and just had to post about it. PETA, in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week has created a horrible contest. Basically any man that spays or neuters his pet during the month of April can enter into the contest. One eligible winner will be selected and he will receive a free vasectomy. "Now, one lucky man can be reproduction-free, free of charge, just like his pooch or feline friend." Are you fucking serious? I'm not going to bother going into an absolute rant about how this makes me feel - but know - I am totally disgusted by this campaign/contest and I don't feel like I can ever get behind Peta for anything, ever again. 

Petitions by Change.org|Start a Petition »

Boy or Girl?

http://www.thebump.com/calculators/ChineseGenderChart.aspx
So, I stumbled upon a Chinese Gender Chart on thebump.com. According to this chart, it seems as though I am more than likely going to have a girl. I'm looking forward to see if the chart proves to work for me. At this point, I would be ecstatic just to be pregnant and have a healthy baby! However, if I was able to choose - I'd have a girl. Her name will be Eivlyn. I've been set on that name since I was probably 15 - I've even had dreams about her. Hmm I will blog about my other baby names later :)

When will it end!

So, I still feel like death. I've come to the conclusion that I am now grinding my teeth in my sleep because when i'm awake my jaw feels really tense and aches. This only happens when my medication mg changes, and considering i'm going cold turkey it is in full effect. My stomach feels awful I get waves of pretty intense nausea..Oh, and i get some really intense hot flashes. They aren't even like pms hot flashes, like - pms hot flashes don't have shit on the one's i've been having recently. Out of the blue I get ungodly hot, so hot that it almost feels icy cold - if that makes sense. I'm just really annoyed with how I feel at this point and I cannot wait for this to end. I am glad however that I'm getting off of my medication now, as opposed to getting off of it after I become pregnant. I'm pretty sure being pregnant and dealing with such extreme withdrawals would've been very bad for the baby.

I haven't been to school at all this week and the majority of last week I was absent as well. Ah yea I guess I forgot to mention - I'm in cosmetology school. Again. I'm going back for my instructors license, whether or not I'll teach when I get out - who know's? Anyway, I haven't been going because I am in no shape to function outside of my house right now. I told the school that I have mono. I really don't have mono, but it sounds a lot better than saying i'm going through severe withdrawals from anxiety medication. Withdrawing from anxiety medication just isn't really a social thing lol. I do plan on going back to school, starting Monday.

I wish my cycles weren't so long. I'm a bit jealous of the girls who only have like a week in-between af ending and ovulating. I have like 2-3 weeks in-between. It just makes the process so much longer. I'm just so ready to be pregnant! I honestly thought that I would have been pregnant by now, I mean there are so many girls that I see on almost a daily basis that are getting pregnant by accident. It's just ridiculous. Which reminds me, I need to order more IC's - internet cheapie hpt's for you normal people. I buy them in bulk. Yes, I admit - i'm a poas-aholic. I did really well my last cycle, I only took one test! Compared to my usual 5 tests that I take during my 2ww lol. But I blame that partially on DH - dear husband - because he is usually more impatient about testing than I am! I hate testing too early, not so much because of the BFN - big fat negative - but because I hate telling dh that i'm not pregnant yet. It just crushes him every time and that makes me feel bad. Not like there is anything more I can do to aid in the baby making process, but I do sometimes feel like it's my body's fault for not making the baby - Yes, I know that is completely irrational. I have a lot of irrational thoughts - hence my anxiety disorder.


And yes <---- I recommend those.

Allow me to introduce myself..

I'm A. "A" as in Anonymous. For now, and most likely the remainder of my blog I believe I shall stay anonymous for many reasons. One of my biggest reason's is that my husband and I are trying to have a baby. I am so proud to actually state that I am "trying to have a baby". It seems like most pregnancies anymore were unexpected. It may sound silly but i'm so happy to be one of the few actually trying to conceive. However we have decided not to share this information with our family and friends. I just don't want to be asked constantly about whether or not were pregnant yet. Truth is, we've been trying since October. It has been a little difficult, I never expected it would take us this long to try and conceive. But I am thankful that I haven't had parent's or in-laws or sibling's asking all sorts of questions or even worse, judging. But hey, it's April and I should ovulate sometime near the end of the month so let's hope this one sticks!

Hmm I should probably catch you up on the rest of my life as it currently stands. Let's see, I quit my job yesterday and it felt great. I'm a hair stylist. I love doing hair, but I hate working in the wrong environments. My first salon wasn't too bad, taught me the ropes at least. Unfortunately that shop shut down and I was forced to seek work elsewhere. My second shop had potential...keyword: had. The owner was a little...hm - crazy, unclean, and irresponsible. I mean - the lady reused her shampoo caps for crying out loud! Needless to say, that job ended fairly abruptly. And for my last and most recent job- well, it was like a chain salon wannabe. I had an ok amount of walk-ins, but I was only making $5 a cut - and well, that just wasn't cutting it. I was spending more money going to work than I was making. Plus, the inside looked like a cross between a funeral home and a nursing home. It most definitely wasn't living up to it's sporty name. So I quit, with no plan B in mind and I am ok with that. I'm tired of working jobs that make me unhappy so i'm going to step back and carefully plan my next move.

Oh, here's a fun fact - I'm currently withdrawing from an anxiety medication - cold turkey. I've been taking anxiety meds for idk about a year and a half now. Well, my health insurance ran out in September so I quit seeing my psychotherapist or whatever she was. So, my medication ran out and I was also out of refills. Turns out, they wont refill my medication until I come back in for an appointment. And of course, they are booked for like the next two months plus the company that I go through has been extremely rude and unhelpful about the situation. So, i've decided to hell with it and that I am no longer going to take my medication. Well, the withdrawal is totally kicking my ass. I am on day 4 or 5 of not having my meds.Well, i ran out over a week ago and went a few days without it then was given an emergency supply for 4 days, and now i'm off of it again. It's pretty horrible, I feel nauseous most of the time, all I want to do is sleep, my senses are a bit off which tends to cause feelings of panic once in a while, I get bouts of dizziness, and I can go from laughing about absolutely nothing to wanting to cry and tremble all within 2 minutes, my dreams are even being affected.  The pharmacy tech told me today that withdrawal symptoms would last 5-7 days...However, everything i've read online from actual people that have actually come off of the same drug have said it's more like 7 weeks...So either way, i'm in for one hellish ride.

One last thing before I go - i'm Buddhist. It's not really something that I state out of the blue, but it's important to know for possible future blogging reasons. I didn't grow up in a church or with any sort of religion for that matter. I did go to church for a period of time in my younger teenage years, but it just didn't feel right - at all. I've always naturally felt like I leaned into Buddhism. I finally started to read more into it recently and it just completely suits me and since then I have taken refuge in the Three Jewels.
.
Well, that about sums me up for now. At least, it's a general basis of myself. I'm sure I could go on, and on, and on but there wouldn't be much since in my blog if I just came out and said everything at once. So, i'm going to do my best and space out everything on a possible daily basis. See you tomorrow,

A.